Rebel?

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Tarih	: 11 Mart 2008 14:19

I was born and raised in Wood Green, North London, at the heart of the British Turkish Cypriot community in Britain.  Due to the fact that I started ‘going out’ without my parents consent or supervision, I was considered by others to be a ‘rebel’. From my mid teens onwards, family members viewed me with suspicion as did the friends and acquaintances of my parents - ‘get her under control’ was the common advice given to them ‘…before she shames you any longer’. Now that I am in my early 30s and have the benefit of hindsight I am amused at the thought that my behaviour back then was somehow considered radical. The bottom line was I refused to obey my parents simply because they are my parents. I considered myself strong minded enough to make my own decisions, based on my own logic, which did not include ‘you are not allowed to go out simply because you are a woman’. I remember meeting other girls at the time and the burning question always being ‘are you allowed out?’ The fact I was allowed out seemed to set me apart somewhat and perhaps made me appear a little ‘wild’.

The truth is my behaviour was very prim and proper, mainly due to my own value system. This was not always the case with my many friends and acquaintances that ‘were not allowed out’. Many seemed to spend most of their time plotting behind their parents’ backs. In all reality, I do have many regrets about the fact that I was out till 6am when I should have been at home studying for my GCSE’s. At the time being popular and part of the crowd was far more important then my education. However, for me it did become a case of all or nothing. If my parents had presented me with a balance, for example, in the form of a curfew, then I would have been more likely to accept their authority. The fact that they were saying point blank that it was wrong for me to go out made me all the more determined to do so as the logic and reasoning was not clear to me. It was my gender that seemed to influence the way my parents and the community felt; the fact that I was very young at the time did not seem to be as much of a concern- my namus and that of my family’s was in question and this dictated everything.

As part of this ‘rebellious’ stage I decided to buck against the expectations placed on me to act like what those around me considered to be typical Turkish female’ behaviour. Amongst other things I simply refused to learn how to cook. When people asked if I could cook I was proud to say ‘no’. The shock on their faces was enough reward for me. In my mind it sent out a message that they should not expect me to follow the traditional path laid out for me as there was more to me than being a ‘mans slave’-you could call it my juvenile brand of feminism. As I have got older and wiser I have realised that the refusal to cook is like biting your nose off to spite your face. The prospect of living off take away for the rest of my life has forced me to start watching and learning what my mother does in the kitchen. Knowing how to cook well is for my own benefit and is not based on my ability to be a ‘good wife’, simply a healthy, happy person.

My form of rebellion may not seem like much to some, because I did not end up in a rehab centre somewhere, but for my family and I and even my community at the time, it was a big deal. These experiences will influence my own form of parenthood and make me appreciate the importance of achieving a balance, setting realistic boundaries, while allowing your child a certain degree of autonomy and the ability to think and learn for themselves. I am determined that this will apply regardless of gender; I just wonder how many in this day and age share my views.

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